I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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