you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
