Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I can text with my tongue
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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