I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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