My liver just broke up with me...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
