He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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