I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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