The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
