I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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