does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
