I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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