k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
