The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Did we literally take a cab across the street
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
