there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
