Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
