My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
