u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize