He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
