that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
