I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
