the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
