The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
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