I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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