If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
