I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
