I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
