He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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