Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
