I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
