Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
