Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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