so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
