Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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