I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
