he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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