i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
