if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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