Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
