Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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