apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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