I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
