If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
