If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
