I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
