i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
