me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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