The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
