i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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