What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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