How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
