Having a random hookup so left but love u
Don't make out with my wife yet
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
