Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
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My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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