White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
