God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
