I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
