Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
