the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
