I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
